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Need... Need... As a slave, I try to be very careful with the word need. Do I need it, or do I just want it? The distinction is an important one. My wants are inconsequential. He still wants to hear them, of course. But he can choose to leave them unfulfilled. My needs, on the other hand, are on equal footing with his needs. And they come before his wants. So when I say I need something, that word should carry the weight I intend. I don’t use it lightly. But sometimes it is hard to know the difference. And sometimes my slave heart keeps me quiet for too long. I deny my needs, and then I become a tangled mess. Giving and giving until I have nothing left. And when I finally collapse in tears, he wonders why I didn’t say something. But here’s the thing: most of the things I need are things that start as wants. For example, I will never turn down a spanking. Spanks make me feel warm and loved and happy. But at some point, “spanks would be nice please” turns into “I’m being slowly buried alive, and only spanks can save me.” The same with orgasms. I’ve gotten better with denial, but I still can’t do it long-term. The trick, for me, is finding that point where the desire for a spanking or orgasm becomes the need for one. I’m just not good at knowing when a want crosses over to being a need. And if I go too long without, I will sink so low that I don’t even know what I need. Everything feels wrong, and I just want it to not be wrong anymore. I know I should speak up before it gets to that point. It’s just hard, especially when he is overwhelmed and has unmet needs of his own. My impulse is to put service above everything else, even when that hasn’t turned out so well. And truthfully, I’ve never been good at sharing my needs. Or letting people believe I have them. I choose to withdraw and turn inward. But the beauty and curse of D/s is that I can’t do that. I am not allowed to disconnect or disengage. I am owned property. But the words “I need” feel so decidedly unsubmissive to me. I try not to use them until they feel appropriate and unavoidable. Until I really, really mean it. Maybe this is as it should be. Or maybe I’ve just gotten too good at suppressing my needs. I set the bar so absurdly high that almost nothing qualifies as a need. I don’t want it to be like that. I want to serve, and part of that is submitting to his will. Completely. Trusting him to fulfill my needs without thinking I’m needy. Still, it would be easier if the line between want and need were a little clearer cherishedproperty~ "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.” |
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nice
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very interesting post.I could definitely relate to it. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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